Wednesday, November 09, 2022

NaBloPoMo 1-8

I've had a difficult week of it mental health wise and I completely forgot about this.

Here's a short recap as something is better than nothing.

Tues 1 Nov

No mother in law to look after Phoebe as she has a hospital appointment so Lydia's godmother Dee kindly said she'd look after Phoebe for the day. 

Lydia on one about getting ready for school. Intellectually I know it's because it is the first week back from half term but my fragile mental state can't take it and we have a shouting match. I spend the day feeling guilty that I'm not modelling good emotional regulation and that she'll be messed up emotionally for ever.

Dee arrived about 930 after I'd finished school run. Did Phoebe handover then drove to Swindon for meeting. Absolutely pouring with rain, drove Lydia to school too as didn't want to get meeting finery wet.

Took ages to get there in rain, felt like little kid at big school as I always do when I go up to head office. Had quick lunch in canteen and up with emails. Session on planning a new process went well, think I represented my business areav appropriately.

More rain on drive home, home in time to help with bedtime. No idea what I did in evening. Phoebe sick in the night, had been sick in the day too but otherwise happy with Dee.

Wed 2 Nov

Rough night with Phoebe being unwell, no swimming for her!

School run for Lydia, returned ear defenders we borrowed from a friend for a wedding and got soaked in rain, had to use emergency ponchos. Worked well over baby bike seat.

Then home with Phoebe all day. She was sick a couple of times, and had diarrhea. Took  Rang my granny then my mum for a chat. Did laundry, Phoebe helped by taking it in and out of washing machine and trying to get in and out machine multiple times. Off her food, only wants breastmilk.

School run again, then left Phoebe with Tom whilst took Lydia to ballet. Very rainy, managed to get her changed on porch of community hall as no place inside to get changed post Covid. As we get there straight from school, she has time for snack and getting changed before class. Didn't fancy standing in rain the whole hour so went to get a cup of karak chai from Portswood High St, then nursed it to stay warm whilst chatting to the other mums.

Very wet cycle home, glad I bought Lydia's waterproof suit. Tea and bedtime routine, don't remember what I did in evening 

Thurs 3 Nov

My turn to stay home with Phoebe first as still had horrible nappies so can't go to nursery.

Horrible morning trying to get Lydia ready for school, everyone very cross with eachother. Tipped bike over trying to set off with girls on . Protective frame thing around kids seats did it's job and girls fine, only me with a bumped knee and bruised ego . Was trying to rush and start of up hill with an adverse camber and got gears and brakes and pretty much everything wrong. Another passing cyclist helped me get bike back up and and I bit the bullet and got back on and cycled to school the down hill way. Trying to model reliance to the kids, evening though I was shitting myself about it the whole way. 

Home to try and sit through a couple of meetings but Phoebe a bit too little to be distracted and took leave for the afternoon. Drive Phoebe over to a Hedge End M&S to see if she'd nap in car and to pick up some Xmas presents I'd ordered. She came over all green and shivery a couple of times but no vomit. Sat on drive whilst she finished her nap. 

Tom got Lydia from after school club. Difficult bedtime, Phoebe wouldn't settle.

Fri 4 Nov

Another difficult morning. Did school run, left Phoebe with Tom as he was off today with Phoebe.

To railway station to go to London after school run for team meeting and colleague's leaving do, laden with gifts and cake. All trains delayed, got there at 11. Nice to work in same room as colleagues.

Both tea and cake bit and pub bit of leaving do went well and colleague liked their gift. Going to miss them but they're going on to greater things. Nice to spend day as grown-up too, left at 9pm to make sure I got home ok.

Looked like Tom had nice afternoon with Phoebe at Hinton Ampner from the photos.

Sat 5 Nov

Terribly tired after my late night, very grumpy with everyone, everyone grumpy with me. Poor Tom. Left very late to visit friends due to everyone's bad mood. 

Made it to Wallingford to see friends. Lydia had great day playing with their little girl. Embarrassed by her behaviour at times and by my parenting. You know when you're sitting there awkwardly because you're having to watch your friend discipline your kid? Yeah my friends had to do that a few times. 

After tea we went out to the big fireworks display in their town for a kids display of quieter fireworks, which were very good. Lydia disappointed that couldn't toast marshmallows on the giant bonfire! Had put kids in PJ's before display so we could go home straight after. 

Sun 6 Nov

Tom on call and called out after breakfast. Play date for Lydia with school friend. Really nice mum, had good chat whilst kids played. Always a bit chaotic when I'm solo parenting but think it went ok, only one incident of sibling angst. Feels a bit like a first date when it's a play date with a new family. Took girls after up pick up second hand trike for Phoebe's Xmas present and treated Lydia to drive thru for tea as hadn't factored in time of day. Bed time wasn't too bad surprisingly. All watched fireworks out the bedroom windows, both girls entranced. Tom back in early morning.

Mon 7 Nov

Managed to remove myself from Lydia after shouting at her rather than continuing to shout at her this morning, feel like such a failure that her emotions trigger my poor mental health so badly. Had shame hangover all day and felt dreadful we woke Tom whilst he was sleeping it off.

 He took over whilst I got dressed, but still had huge faff trying to get Phoebe to nursery and pick up the new trainers from the pick up point I'd ordered for Lydia and she needed that day for PE. Did get Lydia to school just about on time then took myself back to bed to cry about my failure as a parent and did work emails on my work phone and read up about emotional regulation and napped. Grateful for supportive employers and flexible work. 

Got up and worked from my sofa in afternoon. Complete brain fog all day, tired and shaky. Helped with girls in evening, then went out to spa for evening with NCT friends whilst Granny helped get girls to bed. Very nice thermal spa set up at Hilton hotel at cricket ground. 2 hours of relaxing and chatting did quite a lot for my mood.

Tues 8 Nov

Wore earplugs during getting ready for school faff, tolerance levels much increased. Got to school just after bell but in time due to Lydia faffing but tried to not let it get me flustered. 

Both Tom and I working from home today, Phoebe with Granny. Joined her for lunch, Phoebe woke up just as I was going back upstairs so gave her bit of milk as my boobs felt like they were going to explode.

Day of lots of meetings and trying to catch up on missed work. Stopped at 445 to help with girls tea. Both girls pleased to see me when I came down. Watched TV with Lydia whilst feeding Phoebe until tea ready, then girl bath time. Neither wanted to get out the bath. Listened to Lydia read then fed Phoebe to sleep.

Tom out at home group tonight, did washing up and tried to catch up with work, Phoebe woke up with diahrearra again about 9pm. Felt really panicked and had to ring tom to ask him to come home at 1030pm

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