Sunday, December 04, 2022

I don't really sleep any more

I've set something off in my lower back today, going over a pothole on the bike or bending over too many small girls as I slicked back their hair into ballet buns before Lydia's dance school show.

The spasming takes me back into early labour with the girls, listening to Tom breathing as he sleeps beside me sometimes stirring and making little soft humph noises. Those soft kind noises the warm pleasant sound he'd make when comforting me in years gone by.

I don't really sleep any more. If I go to bed after Tom I lie awake with this ache in my chest, mentally pressing on a bruise and letting myself fall into unwanted pictures that arrive of the girls in mortal peril. Or feeling overwhelmed by how much I was, am, was? loved by my family, again bringing a tightness to my chest. It's this bittersweet sensation that one day all that will be gone, or will end somehow.

I'm scared to go to sleep and of what dreams my brain will bring me today, and of waking up stiff and sore, unable to get out of bed easily, an unwelcome reminder of my aging.

Thursday, December 01, 2022

NaBloPoMo 30

Ridiculous day today. Treated myself to a day using the car as so tired and had difficult morning trying to get Lydia dressed and out the house.

Took Lydia to school, then took Phoebe for her second chicken pox jab, then home to sit on the drive whilst Phoebe napped. Tom kindly brought me out some lunch for everyone and a cup of tea as was taking Lydia to dentist at lunchtime.

Changed Phoebe's nappy in the boot of the car when she woke up and then went to school to pick up Lydia. 

She was clearly nervous but was very brave at dentists and all was fine with her teeth. Got two stickers and was very pleased to be having packed lunch in the car rather than school dinners.

Then home again for a couple of hours to get Lydia's ballet kit and do some washing before school finished. Poor Phoebe. We don't actually get to do much fun together on my day at home, she just gets dragged to Lydia things.

She did enjoy walking from the car to school or from school to the car, trying to copy what she's seen Lydia do and balance on the kerb on the path to school. She also wanted to stop and pick up all the leaves.

Doctors wanted to see Phoebe about her bumped eye at 4.30, so Tom was aiming to get home for 3.30 to take her off my hands, but traffic was bad. He rang just as I parked up on the drive, so we left again without stopping and met him at ballet instead.

Lydia refused to get dressed in the car, I got so cross with her. She has no concept of time and I feel so anxious about being late. Managed to get her to get dressed only to find that I'd remembered the time wrong and we had another 10 mins. I hate myself for that. Did mean she had time to comfortably go to the loo before class.

Went back to the car and sat there for the class as it was so cold. 

Home in the bad traffic, trying very hard to change my parenting attitude. Got back a similar time to Tom, good timing so he could hand Phoebe back before going out on call. Freezer tea for everyone, and a Granny phonecall, then bit of TV before bed.

Bed time not too bad, but struggled to be pleasant to Lydia after earlier. Phoebe fed for aaagggeeess until about 9pm. Then got advent calendars and Christmas decs out and filled advent calendars and sorted washing and filled dishwasher. Went to bed so tired in my clothes at midnight, Phoebe woke up at 12.30 and fed for God knows how long. With hindsight probably the chicken pox jab.