Thursday, June 29, 2006

Argh

I found a lump or rather a series of lumps in my left breast.

Argh.

Its prob just hormonal changes, but is still scary.

I'm going to talk to my mum about it when I go home and then book a docs appointment.

Argh

I found a lump or rather a series of lumps in my left breast.

Argh.

Its prob just hormonal changes, but is still scary.

I'm going to talk to my mum about it when I go home and then book a docs appointment.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Ranting

A blog is for ranting - no?

I hate hate hate hate when people agree to something and then
  • conveniently forget
  • conveniently find they have an appointment or errand that has to be seen to just then
  • conveniently remember something they did not think to tell you before
  • change their minds without good reason
  • decide they simply don't want to

To be honest I probably get to excited about things, and are therefore easily diappointed. But it would be nice to not be continually let down. I wish that people were honest from the off, and if they don't want to do something say so.

Rant over

Ranting

A blog is for ranting - no?

I hate hate hate hate when people agree to something and then
  • conveniently forget
  • conveniently find they have an appointment or errand that has to be seen to just then
  • conveniently remember something they did not think to tell you before
  • change their minds without good reason
  • decide they simply don't want to

To be honest I probably get to excited about things, and are therefore easily diappointed. But it would be nice to not be continually let down. I wish that people were honest from the off, and if they don't want to do something say so.

Rant over

Fiction

Lying awake, she waited. Anger seethed and receded as waves in her head, thoughts rushing like storm clouds. Why? Why now? Why here? Alone in the dark these meaningless words ate at her insides. A primal howl escaped her lips, the only noise one can make when one has been truly hurt by something.

Sleep was a blissful escape for once. Solid dreamless sleep. Her body sank down into the duvet as the sobs gradually lessened.

The door crashed open, and he walked in. He sat in front of the computer, checked his email and then shut down the system. The room dimmed as the light from the screens faded. She was aware and yet unaware of all this happening around her, her body clinging to the safety of sleep. Her muscles tensed spasmodically.

His shirt and trousers rustled as he let them drop on the floor. Water splashed in the sink.

His lips brushed her neck as he nestled his body around her. In the half awake half asleep dance of couples they arranged themselves into comfortable positions and her body relaxed as his hand brushed over her shoulders.

Fiction

Lying awake, she waited. Anger seethed and receded as waves in her head, thoughts rushing like storm clouds. Why? Why now? Why here? Alone in the dark these meaningless words ate at her insides. A primal howl escaped her lips, the only noise one can make when one has been truly hurt by something.

Sleep was a blissful escape for once. Solid dreamless sleep. Her body sank down into the duvet as the sobs gradually lessened.

The door crashed open, and he walked in. He sat in front of the computer, checked his email and then shut down the system. The room dimmed as the light from the screens faded. She was aware and yet unaware of all this happening around her, her body clinging to the safety of sleep. Her muscles tensed spasmodically.

His shirt and trousers rustled as he let them drop on the floor. Water splashed in the sink.

His lips brushed her neck as he nestled his body around her. In the half awake half asleep dance of couples they arranged themselves into comfortable positions and her body relaxed as his hand brushed over her shoulders.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Empty

Today nothing and everything has happenned.

I broke a strap on my new pijamas. I packed a box of files. I wrote one page of notes. I read 5 chapters of a book. I showered. I had lunch with my Gran. All normal nice and everyday things.

I feel empty though. Like someone's stolen my insides. I can't focus on what I want to do. Nothing is quite what I thought it would be. I don't want to be on my own.


Lunch with my Gran was enjoyable and painful all at once. I had butterfly prawns and a chocolate fudge brownie sunday. She wanted to talk about events. I couldn't.


What a difference a few hours can make. The above is what I wrote before Chris and I went for a walk on the common. The sun was out and all cliches were applicable. But being outside and feeling the wind and the sun and listening to people being all around me, being what they were and doing wholesome outsoorsy things made me smile.

And a a nice subway sandwhich helped - :-)

Empty

Today nothing and everything has happenned.

I broke a strap on my new pijamas. I packed a box of files. I wrote one page of notes. I read 5 chapters of a book. I showered. I had lunch with my Gran. All normal nice and everyday things.

I feel empty though. Like someone's stolen my insides. I can't focus on what I want to do. Nothing is quite what I thought it would be. I don't want to be on my own.


Lunch with my Gran was enjoyable and painful all at once. I had butterfly prawns and a chocolate fudge brownie sunday. She wanted to talk about events. I couldn't.


What a difference a few hours can make. The above is what I wrote before Chris and I went for a walk on the common. The sun was out and all cliches were applicable. But being outside and feeling the wind and the sun and listening to people being all around me, being what they were and doing wholesome outsoorsy things made me smile.

And a a nice subway sandwhich helped - :-)

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Today I am learning to write code

" " " This is my ongoing attempt to learn python with no previous programming experience whatsoever, Anyone may use it as they please. Documentation is notes to myself. Alex Jones 20/06/2006. " " "


" " " print = show things on screen " " "

print 'hello world'


" " " li = a list of things you might want to refer to " " "
li = ["eggs", "sausage", "beans", "chips"]

" " " print + li = prints something from list " " "
print li[0]
print li[3]
print li[-2]
print li[1:3]

" " " use a tuple ie. 't=' if you want a list but don't want to tamper with it. " " "

print "2 + 2 =", 2+2

" " " Use raw_input when you want words entered, and input for numbers " " "

print "Halt!"
s = raw_input("Who Goes there? ")
print "You may pass,", s
f = raw_input("What is your favourite food? ")
if f != li[0]:
print " Urgh I hate", f, "Why do you like that", s, "?"
else:
print s,"We're the same,", li[0], "are my favourite too!"




This is my first attempt at writing anything other than the most basic of html. I am very proud!

Today I am learning to write code

" " " This is my ongoing attempt to learn python with no previous programming experience whatsoever, Anyone may use it as they please. Documentation is notes to myself. Alex Jones 20/06/2006. " " "


" " " print = show things on screen " " "

print 'hello world'


" " " li = a list of things you might want to refer to " " "
li = ["eggs", "sausage", "beans", "chips"]

" " " print + li = prints something from list " " "
print li[0]
print li[3]
print li[-2]
print li[1:3]

" " " use a tuple ie. 't=' if you want a list but don't want to tamper with it. " " "

print "2 + 2 =", 2+2

" " " Use raw_input when you want words entered, and input for numbers " " "

print "Halt!"
s = raw_input("Who Goes there? ")
print "You may pass,", s
f = raw_input("What is your favourite food? ")
if f != li[0]:
print " Urgh I hate", f, "Why do you like that", s, "?"
else:
print s,"We're the same,", li[0], "are my favourite too!"




This is my first attempt at writing anything other than the most basic of html. I am very proud!

Knittingy stuff





Knittingy stuff





Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Mammoth Picture Post - new camera















Shawl from Elann pattern.















Perfection Leaf Lace


























Statuesque knitting.















These seem to get everywhere.



























I love this pottery cat.

Mammoth Picture Post - new camera















Shawl from Elann pattern.















Perfection Leaf Lace


























Statuesque knitting.















These seem to get everywhere.



























I love this pottery cat.

Friday, June 16, 2006

I feel like I'm on holiday

o now there is nothing to fill my time.

So bad infact I went to the library and got books out for Octobers courses! They are incredibly interesting. We are going to be disecting the Old Testament as a historical source. I've not read enough yet to go into detail, but boy is there alot they don't tell you in Sunday School.

I've been a pest today as I've been distracting my friend next door, Chris. He's cleverly managed to get himself on the Google Summer of Code program and is busy coding an onscreen keyboard for Ubuntu's OS. This means he has work to do and I haven't and so my constant nattering is not very welcome. I went and made mushy peas so he had a moments peace.

I've not really wanted to be on my own these last fews days. Everytime I am I end up thinking and thinking hurts.

I went shopping and treated myself to new underwear from Primark. I also got a top for £5 in the Pilot outlet store. I spent so much but it was worth it. The underwear came to £11 for two sets so I was impressed. One is white with a tiny red flower print and a red lace trim, and the other is pink mesh with pale yellow and pink embriodery. I also got some pijamas there and they are a cami and shorts set in pale green satin with a bamboo print. They were £4! The top from Pilot is a flowing jade green crepe cami with a wide seed pearl trim around the neck.

I also bought a pattern to make up into a dress using the huge white spot on a red ground fabric that my mum found for me. It's just a basic shift pattern, but I'm going to make up a toile and alter the neck line and sleeves to emulate Roland Mouret's galaxy dress in an adult homage to Minnie Mouse. I know I'm sad.

Tomorrow I am off to London to meet up with old friends. It should be good.

I feel like I'm on holiday

o now there is nothing to fill my time.

So bad infact I went to the library and got books out for Octobers courses! They are incredibly interesting. We are going to be disecting the Old Testament as a historical source. I've not read enough yet to go into detail, but boy is there alot they don't tell you in Sunday School.

I've been a pest today as I've been distracting my friend next door, Chris. He's cleverly managed to get himself on the Google Summer of Code program and is busy coding an onscreen keyboard for Ubuntu's OS. This means he has work to do and I haven't and so my constant nattering is not very welcome. I went and made mushy peas so he had a moments peace.

I've not really wanted to be on my own these last fews days. Everytime I am I end up thinking and thinking hurts.

I went shopping and treated myself to new underwear from Primark. I also got a top for £5 in the Pilot outlet store. I spent so much but it was worth it. The underwear came to £11 for two sets so I was impressed. One is white with a tiny red flower print and a red lace trim, and the other is pink mesh with pale yellow and pink embriodery. I also got some pijamas there and they are a cami and shorts set in pale green satin with a bamboo print. They were £4! The top from Pilot is a flowing jade green crepe cami with a wide seed pearl trim around the neck.

I also bought a pattern to make up into a dress using the huge white spot on a red ground fabric that my mum found for me. It's just a basic shift pattern, but I'm going to make up a toile and alter the neck line and sleeves to emulate Roland Mouret's galaxy dress in an adult homage to Minnie Mouse. I know I'm sad.

Tomorrow I am off to London to meet up with old friends. It should be good.

In light of anything better to say

Posted by pebs on slashdot.com

Three computer users, one Windows, one Apple, one Linux go to the restroom. After being done, the Apple user washes his hands and uses a lot of paper towels to dry them. He says: "Apple users are very thorough."

The Windows user washes his hands, takes only one paper towel and uses even the last little bit. He says: "Windows users are not only thorough, but very economical."

Then they look at the Linux user who just walks out of the door, looks back and says: "Linux users don't piss on our hands."

In light of anything better to say

Posted by pebs on slashdot.com

Three computer users, one Windows, one Apple, one Linux go to the restroom. After being done, the Apple user washes his hands and uses a lot of paper towels to dry them. He says: "Apple users are very thorough."

The Windows user washes his hands, takes only one paper towel and uses even the last little bit. He says: "Windows users are not only thorough, but very economical."

Then they look at the Linux user who just walks out of the door, looks back and says: "Linux users don't piss on our hands."

Sunday, June 04, 2006

A reivison break treat!

Some stories from the past few days for Lauren - Hey Lauren!

Back on the subject of kareoke. That was a night and a half. It began as a night out to send of Amy in style, and that usually means going to the Stile the nearest pub to my halls that serves a selection of Ales. Oh Ale - how I love thee, the boys here will not drink the scum that is Carling, the scum that is Stella unless pushed. This means anytime I go out I am some times offered or sometimes steal a sip of beer that tastes as it ought. Characterful, fuity, mellow, honeyed. It does all depend on which you drink, but I digress here in ale rapture.

We had to go to Big George first. Big George is another thing to rapture about. For the standard £3 for a medium doner kebab that is the rule around here, you get oodles and oodles of succulent doner meat, carved in hugely generous chunks, topped with lumps of tomato, cucumber, cabbage and lettuce, and a choice of sauce. [This portion size would be an large or extra large anywhere else.] Always go for the chili. The meat is spicy, but the chili sauce will blow your mind. Therein lay my problem. When we finally reached Big George, we were met with the sight of the narrowest kebabs on the gyro, metal gleaming where it had been sliced to the skewer. Only enough meat left for one! Chris and I turned to each other and agreed, it should be Amy's as it would be here large Big George for months, and then glibly ordered chicken kebabs apeice with chili sauce.

After being barked at by the staff as they determined our condiment choices, for what you geti n quanity and quality of food is severely contrasted by the complete lack of politeness to customers, we went to find a wall upon which to consume. It was then as I unwrapped my kebab and my eyes stung with the wafting smell I realised my mistake. The juicy looking redness that bound the chicken breasts together on the gyro was not sppecial sauce or tomato as I had hoped, but chili. So I had a chili chicken kebab with extra chili sauce. How my eyes watered, how my nose ran and ran and ran. In fact I fully recommend one if you have sinusitis as it would dislodge any impacted mucus. [Oh what a nice phrase!]

The attempt at eating kebab was accompanied by an opinionated friend waxing on about how if we eat eggs, and people in Vietnam eat chicken foetus out the shell that we ought ot be allowed to eat unwanted babies. I worry about that boy I really do. I can't tell if he's joking, being needlessly provocative or just insane. I suspect the middle phrase. We had a newish perosn joi our group for the eve, and I think Filthy was trying to wind him up, though Gav turned out to be far stranger by the end of the eve.

We then argued our way to the Stile using bad direction and then commenced the consuming. The ale of choice appeared to be Paradise, though I stuck to my San Miguel and Lime. Hispanic beers and lime are heaven in my book. Paradise tastes like honey and fruit and pint would kill me. Needless to say I like it.

But it was Magners, the cider of 17 variteies of Apples that was requested by Amy, so we trudged to the Stag's a the union to consume. Magners is serious value for money. One bottle is marketed as a pint, but is more like a pint and half or a pint and a quarter and is just so. We played musical chairs through out the evening, going from willing a couple taking up a huge booth by themselves to leave, to aforementioned booth where Filthy found what appeared to be a used condom on the window sill. This lead to a quick depature to sofas. Where Filthy knocked me a s I sat down to talk to Amy and ended up with my face in her bosoms much to the enjoyment of the boys.

Oh the kareoke. Student kareoke veres on the side of irony, with the Pogues christmas number appearing on a June night and other such strange choices. But there was one eager girl who was taking it very seriously. Very seriously. A large girl, with a crowd of friends, I was expecting her to be one of those kareoke divas you find in the pubs back home, you know, big woman big voice. Oh no. Having had 3 years worth of singing lessons at secondary school I am the best person to critique - ;-) . She had a reedy voice that went from nasal flat 'e's' to low rumbling 'o's' and bless her heart he was premiering show tunes form a musical that is unknown in Britain. This is brave kareoke choice, and I'm sorry to say she didn't pull it off. Kareoke works best when a) its a song the world world know. That way if you're crap, the rest of the room joins in, or B) its a song that you can sing really well, that it it doesn't matter if its obscure. The songs were obscure, had those horrible musical theatre jumps from a note at the top of your range to one at the bottom.

After this ordeal and polite clapping, the boys were urging me to sing. I refused, and refused again. The crowd were not friendly, I was feeling fragile and I didn't want to be ripped to shreds in the way I have just shredded the above singer. But Gav and Chris who are persistant buggers kept pestering me. Gav kept staring at me as well which was incredibly unnerving, especially as there was a real life female enginnering student to occupy the poor ECS boys who though such a thing didn't exist. I ended up saying yes, just to get them to shut up.

Then came the choosing of the song. It had to be something I knew the words to. It had to be something I felt confident with. It had to be something well known. It had to be in a key the average female can sing. There were three songs on the whole list I can do. All That Jazz from Chicago - that was a nono. Showtunes had not done well tonight. Killing me Softly the Fugees version. That needs a soulful audience and a braver Alex and the audience didn't seem to respond to ballads. Big Spender it was. Okay if you've watched Sweet Charity it's techincally a show tune, but most people picture Shirely Bassey. I thought okay Alex - go for camp and go for drama. If you can't sing to night you can always ham it up.

It was a waiting game after that. Singer after singer got called, but not me. I kept bounding off to the loos for a quick practice and a fiddle with my lippy. When it was finally my turn I was so resigned to thinking we'll leave before I get called, I nearly broke my leg walking up the stairs to the stage with shock.

Gav was my prop, and admirably sttod there with his pint as I sang at him and demanded money. This must have look comical as Gav's bearded image is as far removed from a sugadaddy as you can get. I hammed it up, I wiggled my hips on the drum beat, I marylined some monroesque laugh where I was sure of my high notes, and then bloody hell I nearly fell over again as I actually hit the high notes on the repeated lines at the end. And then something strange happenned. There was applause. Real applause.

YAY!

I think the nicest bit of the whole evening was Chris' face and comments. He looked so surprised.

" I didn't know you could sing like that!"

A reivison break treat!

Some stories from the past few days for Lauren - Hey Lauren!

Back on the subject of kareoke. That was a night and a half. It began as a night out to send of Amy in style, and that usually means going to the Stile the nearest pub to my halls that serves a selection of Ales. Oh Ale - how I love thee, the boys here will not drink the scum that is Carling, the scum that is Stella unless pushed. This means anytime I go out I am some times offered or sometimes steal a sip of beer that tastes as it ought. Characterful, fuity, mellow, honeyed. It does all depend on which you drink, but I digress here in ale rapture.

We had to go to Big George first. Big George is another thing to rapture about. For the standard £3 for a medium doner kebab that is the rule around here, you get oodles and oodles of succulent doner meat, carved in hugely generous chunks, topped with lumps of tomato, cucumber, cabbage and lettuce, and a choice of sauce. [This portion size would be an large or extra large anywhere else.] Always go for the chili. The meat is spicy, but the chili sauce will blow your mind. Therein lay my problem. When we finally reached Big George, we were met with the sight of the narrowest kebabs on the gyro, metal gleaming where it had been sliced to the skewer. Only enough meat left for one! Chris and I turned to each other and agreed, it should be Amy's as it would be here large Big George for months, and then glibly ordered chicken kebabs apeice with chili sauce.

After being barked at by the staff as they determined our condiment choices, for what you geti n quanity and quality of food is severely contrasted by the complete lack of politeness to customers, we went to find a wall upon which to consume. It was then as I unwrapped my kebab and my eyes stung with the wafting smell I realised my mistake. The juicy looking redness that bound the chicken breasts together on the gyro was not sppecial sauce or tomato as I had hoped, but chili. So I had a chili chicken kebab with extra chili sauce. How my eyes watered, how my nose ran and ran and ran. In fact I fully recommend one if you have sinusitis as it would dislodge any impacted mucus. [Oh what a nice phrase!]

The attempt at eating kebab was accompanied by an opinionated friend waxing on about how if we eat eggs, and people in Vietnam eat chicken foetus out the shell that we ought ot be allowed to eat unwanted babies. I worry about that boy I really do. I can't tell if he's joking, being needlessly provocative or just insane. I suspect the middle phrase. We had a newish perosn joi our group for the eve, and I think Filthy was trying to wind him up, though Gav turned out to be far stranger by the end of the eve.

We then argued our way to the Stile using bad direction and then commenced the consuming. The ale of choice appeared to be Paradise, though I stuck to my San Miguel and Lime. Hispanic beers and lime are heaven in my book. Paradise tastes like honey and fruit and pint would kill me. Needless to say I like it.

But it was Magners, the cider of 17 variteies of Apples that was requested by Amy, so we trudged to the Stag's a the union to consume. Magners is serious value for money. One bottle is marketed as a pint, but is more like a pint and half or a pint and a quarter and is just so. We played musical chairs through out the evening, going from willing a couple taking up a huge booth by themselves to leave, to aforementioned booth where Filthy found what appeared to be a used condom on the window sill. This lead to a quick depature to sofas. Where Filthy knocked me a s I sat down to talk to Amy and ended up with my face in her bosoms much to the enjoyment of the boys.

Oh the kareoke. Student kareoke veres on the side of irony, with the Pogues christmas number appearing on a June night and other such strange choices. But there was one eager girl who was taking it very seriously. Very seriously. A large girl, with a crowd of friends, I was expecting her to be one of those kareoke divas you find in the pubs back home, you know, big woman big voice. Oh no. Having had 3 years worth of singing lessons at secondary school I am the best person to critique - ;-) . She had a reedy voice that went from nasal flat 'e's' to low rumbling 'o's' and bless her heart he was premiering show tunes form a musical that is unknown in Britain. This is brave kareoke choice, and I'm sorry to say she didn't pull it off. Kareoke works best when a) its a song the world world know. That way if you're crap, the rest of the room joins in, or B) its a song that you can sing really well, that it it doesn't matter if its obscure. The songs were obscure, had those horrible musical theatre jumps from a note at the top of your range to one at the bottom.

After this ordeal and polite clapping, the boys were urging me to sing. I refused, and refused again. The crowd were not friendly, I was feeling fragile and I didn't want to be ripped to shreds in the way I have just shredded the above singer. But Gav and Chris who are persistant buggers kept pestering me. Gav kept staring at me as well which was incredibly unnerving, especially as there was a real life female enginnering student to occupy the poor ECS boys who though such a thing didn't exist. I ended up saying yes, just to get them to shut up.

Then came the choosing of the song. It had to be something I knew the words to. It had to be something I felt confident with. It had to be something well known. It had to be in a key the average female can sing. There were three songs on the whole list I can do. All That Jazz from Chicago - that was a nono. Showtunes had not done well tonight. Killing me Softly the Fugees version. That needs a soulful audience and a braver Alex and the audience didn't seem to respond to ballads. Big Spender it was. Okay if you've watched Sweet Charity it's techincally a show tune, but most people picture Shirely Bassey. I thought okay Alex - go for camp and go for drama. If you can't sing to night you can always ham it up.

It was a waiting game after that. Singer after singer got called, but not me. I kept bounding off to the loos for a quick practice and a fiddle with my lippy. When it was finally my turn I was so resigned to thinking we'll leave before I get called, I nearly broke my leg walking up the stairs to the stage with shock.

Gav was my prop, and admirably sttod there with his pint as I sang at him and demanded money. This must have look comical as Gav's bearded image is as far removed from a sugadaddy as you can get. I hammed it up, I wiggled my hips on the drum beat, I marylined some monroesque laugh where I was sure of my high notes, and then bloody hell I nearly fell over again as I actually hit the high notes on the repeated lines at the end. And then something strange happenned. There was applause. Real applause.

YAY!

I think the nicest bit of the whole evening was Chris' face and comments. He looked so surprised.

" I didn't know you could sing like that!"

Friday, June 02, 2006

Swirl

Sometimes you are just so fed up with the world you want to jump off into a black hole, or slide under your smooth cool duvet and never surface because nothing, but nothing seem to go right.

I'm just so fed up with everything. My exams are not going well, I can't seem to take anything in when I revise. This has put a huge amount of strain on my relationship with Rob, to the point of breaking. I feel so shit because I can't give him the attention he wants because I'm falling apart. I'm so fed up with arguing with everyone all the time. Amy goes home today and I won't see her till the summer, and she was the only girly friend I had I uni that I could go crying too and eat chocolate with and today she helped me dye my hair in a bid to cheer me up and now I have hair like Jean Grey in Xmen and it looks cool. Can you see from that stream of words how jumbled up I feel?

Stop the world I want to get off!

Or I want to get back on stage. We went to the kareoke tonight after a trek for a Big George Kebab in a bid to give Amy the send off she deserves. I sang Hey Big Spender with Gav as my prop, and for once in my public singing career, I was in tune. I kept stopping in my head in surprise as I realised I was in tune with the backtrack. I danced I acted, and for a while I wasn't me. I could hit the highnotes. When I had finished, Chris said full of shock that he didn't realise I had in in me, that I could sing like that. I know I can do these things, and yet I am always so afraid to be. I wonder why.

I would really like to be like Amy right this min, to have my exams over, to be home talking and bickering with my mum over sewing and food and not to feel quite so miserable.

Swirl

Sometimes you are just so fed up with the world you want to jump off into a black hole, or slide under your smooth cool duvet and never surface because nothing, but nothing seem to go right.

I'm just so fed up with everything. My exams are not going well, I can't seem to take anything in when I revise. This has put a huge amount of strain on my relationship with Rob, to the point of breaking. I feel so shit because I can't give him the attention he wants because I'm falling apart. I'm so fed up with arguing with everyone all the time. Amy goes home today and I won't see her till the summer, and she was the only girly friend I had I uni that I could go crying too and eat chocolate with and today she helped me dye my hair in a bid to cheer me up and now I have hair like Jean Grey in Xmen and it looks cool. Can you see from that stream of words how jumbled up I feel?

Stop the world I want to get off!

Or I want to get back on stage. We went to the kareoke tonight after a trek for a Big George Kebab in a bid to give Amy the send off she deserves. I sang Hey Big Spender with Gav as my prop, and for once in my public singing career, I was in tune. I kept stopping in my head in surprise as I realised I was in tune with the backtrack. I danced I acted, and for a while I wasn't me. I could hit the highnotes. When I had finished, Chris said full of shock that he didn't realise I had in in me, that I could sing like that. I know I can do these things, and yet I am always so afraid to be. I wonder why.

I would really like to be like Amy right this min, to have my exams over, to be home talking and bickering with my mum over sewing and food and not to feel quite so miserable.