Tuesday, October 26, 2021

Dear Phoebe...

Dear Phoebe,

I didn't write you a letter when you were in utero like your sister.

I kept meaning to, but I was in so much pain and quite down and kept forgetting. 

I kept saying to people 'oh there's no time to commune with the bump second time around'. But really, I was a bit anxious and scared.  I struggled to feel connected to you. After early bleeding and miscarriage scares, I was worried I'd done the wrong thing bringing a baby into a pandemic, into a world overshadowed by climate change and conflict.

And sitting at my desk, working yet another day from home, I would honestly forget I was pregnant until you kicked me or I struggled to get off my chair. My colleagues would forget too, only ever seeing me as head and shoulders on a tiny video call.

But I wanted you know that despite all this, you were and are so so wanted. My vision for my future was always lots of family and friends around a big Christmas dinner table, including my own children. I wanted to make my wonderful eccentric glorious family someone else's family too.

And so, despite my infertility issues we persued treatment and were blessed with Lydia. And having had her, we wanted to give her the blessing of a sibling, the joy I am given over and over by my sisters. If you'd not come, we would have been happy with just her I'm date, but there was something there inside me saying you would come.

And you did arrive! You are my bonus, my extra unexpected joy. You were concieved on my first round of Clomid this time, another unexpected joy. You arrived unexpectedly easily for a big baby by VBAC. 

I've not been able to show you off to people the way i did your sister because of the pandemic. And I think the background level of stress that causes, along with running around after your sister has found me just surviving and struggling to connect with you.

But something has changed since you started smiling and cooing, which you did quite early at 4 weeks ish.

Suddenly I can see family resemblances in your face which prompt bittersweet pangs of love as we can't see them easily.

Suddenly I find myself wanting to play and sing to you, to make you do your purring burbling noise.

Suddenly I feel my heart bursting as your besotted sister asks to hold you and beams with pride at making you smile

So my little Pheeb, as your sister affectionately calls you, forgive me when I haven't filled in as much of your baby book or there are less photos of you. But know that you are loved, that you are wanted, and that you are the unexpected joy that completes our family.

All my love


(as I feed you sleep, age 11 weeks)