Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Readvent 1: Challenging

An awesome blogger I read called Princess Lasertron does this cool thing called Readvent, a serious series of blog post prompts around the subject of self reflection.

Here are my thoughts on her prompts so far.

1: Challenging

At the moment I am being challenged most by one big thing and one small thing. The big thing is my fertility.

At the moment Tom and I don't want any children, and because of my ecoptic pregnancy, I don't know what my future fertility will be like. It has supposedly been reduced by 30% due to the removal of my ectopic pregnancy, but I have a contraceptive implant fitted, and so have no idea what it would be like if the implant were removed.

What I am finding challenging, especially at in the run up to Christmas, a real family orientated time of year, is  a possible future desire for children that I might not be able to have.

Friends and family have started asking about if we were thinking of having children, and a few good friends are expecting much wanted babies or have babies. I have been thinking of Christmas traditions I might like to share with children if we had any, like the reading of a chapter day through advent of Jostein Gaarders 'A Christmas Mystery. I have also attended some family events, and really enjoyed the new large and complex extended family I've gained from my marriage to Tom.

However, I don't want to think about it all too much because, I might not be able to have my own biological children, I'm not sure our families would be welcoming of adoptive children, and I'm not sure I'm unselfish enough to be a parent. I am grateful for our uncomplicated, well fed, well financed child free life at the moment. I don't think I can resolve this one yet, and I need to talk to my parents about it. It just gives me that lump in the throat-tight in the chest feeling when I try and mull it over.

The small challenge I am facing is keeping up with housework and everyday life with my new job that involves lots of travelling. Our house is often a mess as Tom and I are both hoarders, and not good at putting things away. It's not often dirty, just lots of things everywhere. It didn't bother me so much when I was younger, but I'm starting to find less cluttered spaces more relaxing and calming.

I am grateful that I am fortunate enough to have all the random stuff I might want and need. I'm going to resolve it by trying to do one little bit of tidying a day, getting the spare room sorted out for Martin coming to stay on Sat, and completely clearing out and dusting all the rooms by the 22nd when Tom's dad comes to stay.

I don't feel that I totally 'kicked butt' at any challenging thing this year, but I have mastered driving since my horrific learning to drive experience. I've had a couple of minor bumps with parked cars, but I got over my fear of motorways pretty quickly, what with having to drive alot for work. It is liberating being able to just get in the car and go.


Jon Ahearn said...

The fertility stuff is awful, and the not knowing is worse. Hannah and I have discussed the results of fertility tests with specialists a couple of times, the chemo has not been kind. They are rather pessimistic about our chances naturally, but more optimistic about our chances with IVF, etc.

But I really get it, not knowing what to think because it's too soon, you don't want kids yet, and the only reason it's always on your mind is because you might not be able to. Knowing I have a problem that I can't do anything about is a huge frustration at the best of times...

Alex Tarling said...

Thanks for sharing Jon. It really means a lot to me, especially having a friend who can understand where I'm coming from.