Day 1Today I am so tired and bored and stressed and all these things. I hate waiting and love it all at once, anticipation is so much better than the real thing, and at the same time so much worse. Why can't it be this week, why can't it be tomorrow, I feel sick and excited and ready and not ready. Only another three and a half hours till I can go home, and sit and think and write thank you cards. I'm actually feeling anxious as I have a driving lesson and I hate my driving lessons. The whole experience makes me feel sick to my stomach. What if I crash? Or don't see a cyclist? Or hit another car, or park funny? I can drive, I can do all these manoevers correctly, I just need the time to practice. And my instructor makes me feel like we are rushing and I'm not good enough, and asks "what gear should we pull away in, Alex?" and make me feel this small.But there you go. I need to do this, otherwise I won't be a real person, and we won't be able to move to the middle of nowhere and have a farm. I won't be able to get myself to a floristry course or take Tom to hospital. And I just have to man up and do it, but i hate it and I have to and so on and so forth. I hate writing like this too. All I type is "It makes me feel" and that's not really interesting is it? All around me is the chug chug chug hum of computers, and its my lunch time and I'm hungry but I can't eat anything else. After the wedding I am going to eat lasagne and bread and pasta and not care and just be happy and revel in my fatness.Ten minutes is a long time, I'm not sure I have anything in my stream of conscious apart from this swirling mess of thoughts of cake and cards and dresses and church. Oh well, not long now.
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