Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Day 2 - Every day for a week, write for 10 minutes without stopping - stream of consciousness styley

I went home and thought I was going to get half an hour to myself to calm down and unwind but the the driving instructor turned up and off we went. It was terrifying, all "Be more confident" and "You're too slow" and then when I thought right I'm going to be more confident I get told off for moving off when something is coming or for going up a hill in the wrong gear. It just makes me feel sick and makes me want to cry. I don't want to do it anymore. When we finally got back, poor Tom had been working hard all day strimming ground at church and I was all grumpy and unhelpful. We had chinese style roast duck breast and stir fry veg for dinner, and Rob came to watch Moon with us.

I liked Moon. It was like old fashioned scifi, you know where somehting is alomost feasible, where you feel uneasy in your stomach. Like a Ray Bradbury novel. Almost heart wrenching. It was nice to see Rob as he lives so so so so far away now.

When he had gone I actually had a bath, something I've not done for a long time. I fretted shallowly whilst I was in there about how fat I am, and how much I will hate the wedding photos, and my reverse body dismorphia where I look in the mirror and think, hey yeah, you look good , and then see a photo and see how obscenely my rolls of flesh pour over my clothes.

It's annoying and not important or useful. But I wish I wish I could just be thin? Then I might be able to like myself better. Grah why am I such a statistic? When can I just like me a me and be happy.

Scoff I sound such a stereotype. But today that's how I feel. Nothing useful or good and grand. Sorry.

Posted via email from Alex E Jones

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