Ants in my pants yesterday. I wore my attention getting red spot dress that someone once pinned the hem of a little too short. Sometimes a little bit of attention is a good thing, especially you feel invisible and not very invincible. I don't look great at the moment, so any little thing that boosts the confidence is a good thing. My face is puffy and my eyes are dark circles. I need to get back in the gym. Maybe today. Maybe if I can be brave and not think too much about it.
I managed some History revision yesterday. That made me feel better about myself too. Surrounded by friends who were revising too. The library is packed solid at the moment and left to my own devices, I think too much and then panick. Maybe somewhere else to study today.
My red spot dress. My minnie mouse dress. I carefully sewed it by hand, and now it's unravelling with wear. This summer I'll sew it up using the sewing machine. Unpick and redo all the untidy facings. It's what I want to do with my life. Carefully unpick everything and resew it to try and make it better and tidier and more efficient. Just do something with it.
Keeping busy is important now. I have to fill my time with myself. Do things. Be ok. Keep going.
I think I tried to hard at the pub today to have a good time. There are so many feelings bouncing around inside me right now that I don't know what's ok to share and what should be hidden. New improved Alex 20.9 now with added bluntness. She's not very nice really, so I'll upgrade again.
Knowing that other people have done this, have learnt to cope with the depression and anxiety, move on from past relationships, retain friends, loose the weight, be successful, be themselves, be ok helps enormously. It feels very lonely here right now but other people's words connect me to them like golden threads through space and time. Right now it is poems, my oldest refuge, the best words in the best order.
The day before yesterday was 'Tonight I can write the saddest lines'.
Yesterday was 'When you are old and grey'
What will today be? New beginnings?
For an Unborn Baby
If she's a girl,
I hope she'll stretch her wings
and grow up free, wide ranging
like a seagull, dealing with the winds
competently, swifting of currents of air,
able to live on anything she can find
in the murky sea, or even in rubbish heaps,
adapting with ease when storms drive her inland.
May she choose wisely if in the end
she settles on one name, one piece of ground.
May she banish those who'd seek to protect her
from heartbreak, or joy.
- And may he achieve no less
if he's a boy.