Wednesday, February 15, 2006

One day in the year

Having one day in a year to say I love you is stupid I suppose. But think of those people, who find it hard to express themselves, at least on this day, at least, they can use one of the socially exepted norms and codes that encircle this day to show it somehow. And think of the people who wonder if they are loved at all who will have a secret smile becasue someone managed to do somehting as simple as buy a card. Or make one.

I know it causes much pain, this day of lovers and secrets. Being alone is nothing to be scared of, that I know. Loneliness is. That is why my friends get cards from me. So they know that they are not lonely even when alone. I love them so.

And Rob is a sweety who bought me a Royal Doulton figurine of Piglet from the original Winnie the Pooh illustrations. He is striding into the wind carrying a heart in profile, with his red scarf streaming behind him, much in the way mine does when I walk. The heart says "With Luv". This non traditional gift touches me as it again shows Rob's thoughtfulness. And it is the first ornament I will put on our mantle when we finally marry.

I sent him a balloon in a box. It has a cute puppy dog on it saying "I miss you". It came with chocolates. I know it was cheesy and cliched, but knowing how it would surprise him made me think it might be worth it. I hope it was. The puppy dog struck home with me. Missing Rob has changed from a mad mad pain like it was when I first got here. Now it is a dull constant ache exacerbated by the small things like hugs from friends or seeing steak when food shopping. Now I cry on the train home because I almost think it could be the end when the weekend is so good you can't better it. I feel sad on the train ride there as I almost don't want to know the happiness I'll feel because I'll have to go back into my box when I get home. My dull dead box.

I went out tonight to a Valentines/Mardi Gras thing at the Hobbit. It was good and mad and people were dressed beautifully as always, I felt beyond myself and underwhelmed, and so I overcompensated with loud and merry cutting words trying to chivvy thing along.
Simon walked me back in the pouring rain. He told me about growing up on a farm. The rain seeped slowly up my dress like rising damp. And inside my heart beat coldly knowing Rob slept having spent the day alone. I wasn't there to kiss him.

We've been together for 3 years and 5 months now. How things can make you ache neh?

2 comments:

Lori said...

Lori said...