Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Just writing by

Stream of consciousness mind splut time.


I've finished working. No more money is coming into this account. Things, oh I don't know, things, are pottering by. It is less than a month till I leave for university and I don't want to go.


By that sentence you must have realised that I passed my Alevels. 3 A's and a B. Yadda, yadda, yawn. You know I feel hurt. And lonely. I actually typed lovely first there, But I don't feel that. I've been out of sorts since forever.


I'm pleased I did well and cross at the same time. I don't want to go now at all. I'm scared. Really scared. I've wanted this since I knew what university meant, since I knew what I could achieve.


I screwed up a few weeks ago. I went to a party alone. Rob didn't want to come. For some reason, no good reason, because I could and it was there, I just drank and drank and drank till I blacked out and can't remember what I did. I don't know how I got home. My friends rang to my parents.


And I am so ashamed of it. I can't live with myself. Rob went mental, as he was well within his rights to do so. Fortunately, I did nothing apart from get drunk to shame him also, but I can't live like this. I'm glad I did it here and not there, the horrible there, where anyone could have done anything. He put me on a two week probation which finished at the end of our holiday. I had to show him I was worth his time and effort.


I passed thank God.


I sacrificed my holiday to him, I worked hard to make sure he could see I love him. I bit my tongue. It's been like I've forgotten how to love and feel and be anything good really. So I tried and it worked, there in the cool Irish mists and mountains.


God was there, you know? I've been running so far away from him, desperate to be normal, to have a life. I don't like the plans he has for me and I know inside I have to surrender to them, but I don't want them. I don't want to have to lived here in Wiltshire where all is desolate. I don't want anything but a happy marriage and a house and a dog and a baby. All things I am so unworthy of all things I don't deserve. I am just wrong . Just wrong.


I don't want to go. I'm so scared. I can't talk to anyone about this. Rob just brushes over it, saying it's what you've always wanted. My friends, my so called, say you'll enjoy when you're there. My parents say you can't not go just because it's complicated.


But I feel like I can't cope with all the money things, I feel like I'm going to get into lots and lots of debt. I fell like I won't know what to do or say.


I don't how I'll cope being away from Rob especially when things are all new and growing again.


It will be three years on the 15th. I want another 50, another 100. I'll be 19 soon too. I don't want a party or anything or presents or cake. I just wish everything would become transparent. So I could see through it, so I could understand it.


And not feel like this.

10 comments:

Selma said...

Anonymous said...

Lara said...

Lara said...

Anonymous said...

Selma said...

Anonymous said...

Lara said...

Lara said...

Anonymous said...