Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Just writing by

Stream of consciousness mind splut time.

I've finished working. No more money is coming into this account. Things, oh I don't know, things, are pottering by. It is less than a month till I leave for university and I don't want to go.

By that sentence you must have realised that I passed my Alevels. 3 A's and a B. Yadda, yadda, yawn. You know I feel hurt. And lonely. I actually typed lovely first there, But I don't feel that. I've been out of sorts since forever.

I'm pleased I did well and cross at the same time. I don't want to go now at all. I'm scared. Really scared. I've wanted this since I knew what university meant, since I knew what I could achieve.

I screwed up a few weeks ago. I went to a party alone. Rob didn't want to come. For some reason, no good reason, because I could and it was there, I just drank and drank and drank till I blacked out and can't remember what I did. I don't know how I got home. My friends rang to my parents.

And I am so ashamed of it. I can't live with myself. Rob went mental, as he was well within his rights to do so. Fortunately, I did nothing apart from get drunk to shame him also, but I can't live like this. I'm glad I did it here and not there, the horrible there, where anyone could have done anything. He put me on a two week probation which finished at the end of our holiday. I had to show him I was worth his time and effort.

I passed thank God.

I sacrificed my holiday to him, I worked hard to make sure he could see I love him. I bit my tongue. It's been like I've forgotten how to love and feel and be anything good really. So I tried and it worked, there in the cool Irish mists and mountains.

God was there, you know? I've been running so far away from him, desperate to be normal, to have a life. I don't like the plans he has for me and I know inside I have to surrender to them, but I don't want them. I don't want to have to lived here in Wiltshire where all is desolate. I don't want anything but a happy marriage and a house and a dog and a baby. All things I am so unworthy of all things I don't deserve. I am just wrong . Just wrong.

I don't want to go. I'm so scared. I can't talk to anyone about this. Rob just brushes over it, saying it's what you've always wanted. My friends, my so called, say you'll enjoy when you're there. My parents say you can't not go just because it's complicated.

But I feel like I can't cope with all the money things, I feel like I'm going to get into lots and lots of debt. I fell like I won't know what to do or say.

I don't how I'll cope being away from Rob especially when things are all new and growing again.

It will be three years on the 15th. I want another 50, another 100. I'll be 19 soon too. I don't want a party or anything or presents or cake. I just wish everything would become transparent. So I could see through it, so I could understand it.

And not feel like this.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Alex I wont lie to you......im feeling just the same. I do NOT wanna go. Im scared outta my mind. I end up in tears every day now! Sad but true. I cant cope with this. I dont wanna go. I do understand how you feel hunny. Yeh you may enjoy it when youre there. But you may not. Whos to say if this is right for you? Noone knows but you. If youre unsure then you need to decide what to do. Dont listen to anyone else but your yourself. Listen to what your heart is telling you :) As for the thing with Rob....you know what I think. I still believe that you shouldnt 'surrender' yourself to him etc I think thats wrong. People should be equal. You should be equal in a relationship. .....But thats my opinion. You know i'll support you no matter what hunny. I just want you to be happy *hugs* Both now and for the future. So ium here for you :) I know we can all be difficult sometimes and that sometimes you dont wanna listen to friends but I hope you know that you can ALWAYS talk to me. I understand how you feel. Suprisingly well actually!! We are quite alike Alex!! Sorry but its true (poor you!!hehe) We should go out for a drink before we leave hun. Or we could go out for a meal (as cheap as poss!!) Just get together you know :) Take care hunny. Love you loads Fran xxxxxxxxxxxx

Lara said...

Your boyfriend put you on probation ????

You make a mistake, and he gives you a test to see if you are worthy ??? Holy Cow Girl ! You are being controlled by the man who says he loves you.

As someone who has watched friends go through abusive relationships, I can tell you it's only going to get worse until you start expecting him to respect you. Going away to uni is scary, and I feel for you, but it's nowhere near as scary as living in fear of a controlling mate.

Please talk to a counsellor who can help you sort out your feelings. It is natural for you to be afraid of change and to cling to the comfort of what you know, but sometimes a leap of faith is required before you can fly.

You can do it !

Hugs,

Lara

Lara said...

Your boyfriend put you on probation ????

You make a mistake, and he gives you a test to see if you are worthy ??? Holy Cow Girl ! You are being controlled by the man who says he loves you.

As someone who has watched friends go through abusive relationships, I can tell you it's only going to get worse until you start expecting him to respect you. Going away to uni is scary, and I feel for you, but it's nowhere near as scary as living in fear of a controlling mate.

Please talk to a counsellor who can help you sort out your feelings. It is natural for you to be afraid of change and to cling to the comfort of what you know, but sometimes a leap of faith is required before you can fly.

You can do it !

Hugs,

Lara

Anonymous said...

Rob here, I think I must clarify the reasons behind my decision because it looks like neither of you understand and technically it shouldn't be any of your business anyway as I wouldn't comment on either of your relationships.

This is not the first time something like this happened and fortunatly the outcome wasn't serious, but it could have been and I really hope that if I did the same that Alex would put me on probation, simply because we have an obligation to each other to not be in precarious situations.

And Fran, we are equal, very equal in fact, I have never once thought myself better than Alex, cause there's so many things that she adds to our relationship which I can't. Without Alex we don't have a relationship and I won't be a complete person.

I hope you understand that this was for my piece of mind, She could have cheated on me and I'm sure if you lot were in that situation you wouldn't be to forgiving or the least you'd be would be deeply hurt for it.

Anyway, please don't comment on situations you don't understand

Selma said...

"I hope you understand that this was for my piece of mind, She could have cheated on me and I'm sure if you lot were in that situation you wouldn't be to forgiving or the least you'd be would be deeply hurt for it."

What a selfish comment. Love is enduring and forgiving. Why could she have cheated on you? Why would she have cheated on you? You are smothering this poor girl's delicate personality and soul. You should have the decency to trust her absolutely and let her live a little.