Monday, September 18, 2006

Pondering

A funny old world this. Reading Lori's darling post about her wedding anniversary has given me the shivers. Nothing ever stays the same. If things had carried on the way I had mapped them this time last year, today would be just under a year away from my wedding. The 18th of September 2007 would have seen me married for three days. (Under the original plans, not the later revised ones.)

I would not have been completely happy. In the three months since I ended my relationship with Rob, I feel like I've been either reborn, or someone pressed rewind on my personal video player. This is either a completely new me, or a continuation of the me I was before Rob. The things that I really, truly adore have risen to the surface again.

My relationship with Rob was really based on lies. I tried to change myself completely to fit in with his ideal of the perfect woman. Which of course I never could be, especially as it was distinctly unenlightened in some respects. There should be an element of submission in all realtionships, but I'm not sure that the degree I took it to was healthy.

I am any man's equal. I am every man's equal. If I choose to marry and breed (as a friend of mine put it :-) ), that is my choice, and doing that does not make me any less of a person. But I should be allowed that choice.

Right now I choose to study, work and play hard. I want to see if I'm capable of getting my Phd, of an academic life. I've found this deep well of passion for my subject. This in it's self is surprising, considering how disillusioned I was during the majority of my first year. Thank goodness, my fire is back!

There are people, and one person in particular who love me for this. Who accept that my dusty books and museums are part of me. For them and him I'm very very very greatful.

2 comments:

Sarah Louise Parry said...

Sarah Louise Parry said...