Friday, June 02, 2006

Swirl

Sometimes you are just so fed up with the world you want to jump off into a black hole, or slide under your smooth cool duvet and never surface because nothing, but nothing seem to go right.

I'm just so fed up with everything. My exams are not going well, I can't seem to take anything in when I revise. This has put a huge amount of strain on my relationship with Rob, to the point of breaking. I feel so shit because I can't give him the attention he wants because I'm falling apart. I'm so fed up with arguing with everyone all the time. Amy goes home today and I won't see her till the summer, and she was the only girly friend I had I uni that I could go crying too and eat chocolate with and today she helped me dye my hair in a bid to cheer me up and now I have hair like Jean Grey in Xmen and it looks cool. Can you see from that stream of words how jumbled up I feel?

Stop the world I want to get off!

Or I want to get back on stage. We went to the kareoke tonight after a trek for a Big George Kebab in a bid to give Amy the send off she deserves. I sang Hey Big Spender with Gav as my prop, and for once in my public singing career, I was in tune. I kept stopping in my head in surprise as I realised I was in tune with the backtrack. I danced I acted, and for a while I wasn't me. I could hit the highnotes. When I had finished, Chris said full of shock that he didn't realise I had in in me, that I could sing like that. I know I can do these things, and yet I am always so afraid to be. I wonder why.

I would really like to be like Amy right this min, to have my exams over, to be home talking and bickering with my mum over sewing and food and not to feel quite so miserable.

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