Saturday, December 11, 2004

You always think it won't happen to you.

Then it does.

Last night coming home from work, Rob was involved with an accident. He was driving behind a car approaching a junction. The car was turning into the junction, just as another car was turning out of the junction.

This last car didn't see Rob and pulled out. Rob hit the back/side of the car and rolled across the road. His bike is a write off. Forks are bent, exhausts trashed, there's a hole where something should be in the engine.

Rob himself is okay. He grazed his left shin pretty badly, and the lower leg has swollen up. As I speak he and Triss are off to the RUH in Bath to get it x - rayed as it's probably broken. He can't walk on it.

So no biking for Rob for a while. No going to Christmas parties, no Christmas shopping. No picking me upon boxing day. Some guy in a Saab 95 just wrecked Rob's independence for 2 months simply by not looking right twice.

Thank God he was braking and only going 30 - 40 mph. Any faster and he'd probably be a goner.

The insurance company are sorting everything out. New bike most likely.

Last night I just broke down. It was relief more than anything. In one fleeting moment I realised Rob's mortal too. And he won't be here for ever. The one I love will disappear. And memories won't me enough. God

I'm welling up already.

Part of it is selfishness. All the nice things we planned are wrecked now or just going to be really difficult to organise. He was going to watch me dance for the first time of his own volition. He was going to dance with me at the Christmas party. We were going Christmas shopping. I know we have many more Christmases to come, but this one was turning out so nicely. Bloody Saab driver. I hope he has a crappy Christmas too.

I feel crap for feeling all this. I'm such a crappy fiancee really.

In one little moment it was like my world came apart. I could have lost him. Not had him. His cheeky grin. His heart. I wouldn't see him progress, get somewhere, do all the things he wanted. We wouldn't share a life. He wouldn'r fufill his dreams.

And the other part is sheer fear. I don't want to loose him. I don't want a life without him. All this has made me realise I am contemplating 5 to 20 years after his death in the future alone. Without the only person who understands me. Who knows me. And somehow I can't draw spiritual comfort. Fair enough God have have you in his hands, but he can't hug you in the same way, or share you in joke or grip your hand reassuringly.

Rob keeps telling me to stop freaking out. And I suppose he'll never know this huge relief I'm feeling that I've still got him here for a few more years. I just ant to cry without having good reason to. I can't speak about it easily. Mum is so insensitive about it. I came home to say he's gone to be x - rayed and she's like oh well you'll just have to wheelchair him about. Rob is to proud and to stubborn to let me to that. He didn't even want Triss and I helping him into the hospital. He wouldn't let me do that, it would humiliate him.

Dad's killing me with kindness. He means well, saying he'll pick me up and stuff, but that'll just get him and me in trouble with mum, which I can't deal with ATM. He keeps asking about the accident and whether Rob's gone to the police or phoned the insurance. I was short with him a minute ago saying, look Rob Triss and Alan know what they're doing. There's nothing I can do.

That's the other thing. There is nothing I can do to help. I can't drive so I can't transport Rob around. I have offered to loan him some out my savings so he get stuff sorted. He won't accept that though.

All this crap because of one careless driver.

I urge all of you to look right (or left if you're in the US) and then look again as you're turning out a junction. Forget that and you could cause a situation far worse than the one Rob's in.

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