"Hello, you're through to the B team.
Are you having a sewing emergency, do you need to be told how to sort out your life, help filling in a job application or work on your CV?
Press 1 for Alex.
Do you need to be told to man up? Do you require practical assistance, transport or an English gentleman to take you to dinner?
Press 2 for John.
Do you need someone to listen to you, a shoulder to cry on, a good cup of tea, a sonoderous voice or general chemical supplies?
Press 3 for Andy.
Do you require a meal cooked for 50+ people, smaller scale transport, events management, advise on canon law, a lack of tact or a sommeilier?
Press 4 for Tom.
If you require drugs, press the hash key. You will then be subjected to lecture."
"You have pressed 2."
"For self service MAN UP advice, press 1. For transport, press 2, for bridge building and other construction concerns, press 3, to be taken to dinner by a handsome young man, press 4, for annoyance please hold. Handsome young man may be delayed by a few days if young man is up a mountain, or may not be the young man advertised."
"You have pressed 2."
If you require a small car, press 1, a large car, press 2, a van press 3, or a tank, press 4. If you require a van or a tank, there may be a delay of up to a week. A large car may require a few days. Press the Star key to go back to the menu."
At least, this how it's supposed to work. When one of our circle of friends has an emergency, it's always us who get the phone call. And if we're having an emergency, we call John. Tonight, we were the secondary emergency supplier. Girl A, contacted Andy, finding herself stranded at A and E, having escorted Girl B there in her moment of need. Andy had the cab fare. Tom had a car. I had a plan. Well I went to supervise. Money changed hands, all is now well we hope.
Crisis adverted, the B team to the rescue again. We did consider calling John, but we decided we had it under control.
Then we went to Tescos and bought, cake, wine and champagne. Not just any champagne, Tattinger. Honest.
I tell you. Could my life get any weirder?
The B Team. If you have a problem, maybe you shouldn't call.