Monday, March 31, 2008

Fleeting Thoughts for the Auto Biography 2

I can't remember exactly what she said. Something fleeting. Something to do with cake. It was
"Do you really need another slice?" or
"I don't think that's a good idea.."

It was enough. I don't blame her completely. My own head is full of enough neurosis, I can see only I do this to myself. But my life was changed then. Food is everything to me, and has been from that point onwards. I've had phases where I've been all

"Screw you, I'll take two slices please!"

and phases where I've counted calories obsessively, kept food diaries and fidgeted constantly to burn another calorie. Where I've made excuses not to eat with people so I could starve myself.
Banana 80 - 100 calories. Slice of bread 88 calories. Creme egg 200 calories. Always rounding up so I'd overestimate and have to eat less.

Now I mainly salivate over food blogs, and q
uest for food that tastes good. My only problems is I can't do moderation. I hate and love my body in turn. I seem to have reverse body dysmorphia. I like what I see in the mirror and make an effort, and then I see myself in a photograph and can't reconcile my self image with what I see in the picture. Are the rolls of fat on my back really that big? Where did those breasts come from? Where did this stomach come from?

What will it take for me to actually start looking after this body?

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces." ~Judith Viorst

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