Now I'm supposed to be writing about the pitfalls of teleological history. This needs to be put out somewhere and I guess a blog is as good a place as any. No one I have to speak to here at uni quite understands, and I guess I'm just in a very different place to most of the world.
A friend of mine just had premature twins. The situation behind the births is not mine to discuss. I logged on to opendiary the other day to read her update on how they were getting on and was hit by a wave of overwhelming love and what can only be described as broodiness. Even tough Fran is having to cope with such a hard and difficult situation, she has taken to mothering like a duck to water, and it was just so affirming and beautiful to read of how she loves her little boys.
The last few months I have really felt that there is this huge resevoir of love in me. It's a deep ache, an unfufilled desire in my system, that I know only holding my child in my arms will sate. No amount of pseudo mothering my friends or the loved ones in my life will compensate for that heady mix of sheer joy and fear in knowing you had a part in creating another human and they are yours to love and cherish and nurture and teach and - simply - enjoy.
Please God let children be part of my life. And if you're especially listening, let them be my own children.
I had an amazing childhood, filled with trips to woods where Mum and I would make fairy houses out of twigs. Our family has strange customs and traditions, like us all having to stir the Christmas pudding mixture before its but in the pudding bowls for steaming and make a wish. There is always something going on at home, things to craft and make from models of Pickfords lorries to paper sculptures of matadors. I really hope that my children will have the similar sort of uncommon childhood I had.
I want to feel the pride of watching them learn to read, and taking them to the library and delight in their enthusiasm for the new and the unknown.
I want to swaddle them in clothes and blankets I knit to at first my and then their specifications.
I want to be mother. It is what I was created to be.