This is hard. Especially considering that he'd told me before he'd just wanted to be friends and then all of a sudden he wanted me. Now so much more water has gone under the bridge, my head tells me it's not going to happen again. But I want it to so much. The first time should have been a warning sign, I know but still.
I miss the physical presence of someone to hold and be held by. Of someone to listen to and someone who listens to me. I know I was dependant on him in a way that was unhealthy, but at the same time I just found him such an interesting person to talk with. Such interesting ideas and opionions. Such a shame I was uncompatible with him.
It hurts because I did try my best to be myself with him, one of the very few times I was honest with people, and its the real Alex that's been rejected. I suppose there might be someone out there who will like the real Alex or be able to cope with her. Or they maybe no one. I have to learn how to live with myself and be myself all the time. I shouldn't need anyone, except a few friends for socialising.
I had my initial consultation with the counselling service today. It was nice to have someone ask how I was and mean it. Really want to hear the real answer. The average joe doesn't want the truth because if its horrid and they can't help they have to shoulder it too.
I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I don't want to hurt and be miserable like I have been for months. I don't want to be a burden anymore. I want to be able to cope with things without falling apart. I will be ok, but I need help.