Fleeting Thoughts for the Auto Biography 4

The evening I sat eating chinese and talking about steam railways with Keith was a very bittersweet moment. It's odd to find a connection knowing that you won't see that person again.

I have so many of these.

Fleeting Thoughts for the Auto Biography 3

People came to play dressing up with the house dressing up collection until I left home for university. It was always fun.

Fleeting Thoughts for the Auto Biography 3

People came to play dressing up with the house dressing up collection until I left home for university. It was always fun.

Fleeting Thoughts for the Auto Biography 2

I can't remember exactly what she said. Something fleeting. Something to do with cake. It was
"Do you really need another slice?" or
"I don't think that's a good idea.."

It was enough. I don't blame her completely. My own head is full of enough neurosis, I can see only I do this to myself. But my life was changed then. Food is everything to me, and has been from that point onwards. I've had phases where I've been all

"Screw you, I'll take two slices please!"

and phases where I've counted calories obsessively, kept food diaries and fidgeted constantly to burn another calorie. Where I've made excuses not to eat with people so I could starve myself.
Banana 80 - 100 calories. Slice of bread 88 calories. Creme egg 200 calories. Always rounding up so I'd overestimate and have to eat less.

Now I mainly salivate over food blogs, and quest for food that tastes good. My only problems is I can't do moderation. I hate and love my body in turn. I seem to have reverse body dysmorphia. I like what I see in the mirror and make an effort, and then I see myself in a photograph and can't reconcile my self image with what I see in the picture. Are the rolls of fat on my back really that big? Where did those breasts come from? Where did this stomach come from?

What will it take for me to actually start looking after this body?

"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces." ~Judith Viorst

Fleeting Thoughts for the Auto Biography 2

I can't remember exactly what she said. Something fleeting. Something to do with cake. It was
"Do you really need another slice?" or
"I don't think that's a good idea.."

It was enough. I don't blame her completely. My own head is full of enough neurosis, I can see only I do this to myself. But my life was changed then. Food is everything to me, and has been from that point onwards. I've had phases where I've been all

"Screw you, I'll take two slices please!"

and phases where I've counted calories obsessively, kept food diaries and fidgeted constantly to burn another calorie. Where I've made excuses not to eat with people so I could starve myself.
Banana 80 - 100 calories. Slice of bread 88 calories. Creme egg 200 calories. Always rounding up so I'd overestimate and have to eat less.

Now I mainly salivate over food blogs, and quest for food that tastes good. My only problems is I can't do moderation. I hate and love my body in turn. I seem to have reverse body dysmorphia. I like what I see in the mirror and make an effort, and then I see myself in a photograph and can't reconcile my self image with what I see in the picture. Are the rolls of fat on my back really that big? Where did those breasts come from? Where did this stomach come from?

What will it take for me to actually start looking after this body?

"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces." ~Judith Viorst

Fleeting Thoughts for the Auto Biography

Dad was away all week. He'd come back at weekends. Being made redundant when Eleanor was only a baby was hard on us, and when the job came up in Torquay he took it. He'd stay in B and B's all week. He'd come back at weekends.

On Fridays he'd have a McDonalds. You know. When they were cool. It was cheap food I suppose. It's funny what you remember. He'd come back with happy meal toys for Eleanor and I. Especially when it was the Barbie doll or Disney film promotions. Some times he'd have an adult meal and buy two toys seperately. I remember the some of the first ones we got. The Mc Dinos, a plastic happy meal box and cup that were like Transformers. The side of the box had little fold out sections, one for a head and one for a tail, and the handles of the box, those ones that were like the golden arches made the spines of a stegosaurus. The cup opened in halves with a pop up head and a pop out tail in pink, milkshake that had gone jurassic to amuse my sister and I. I remember loking forward to the toys. I don't really remember that Dad had gone, only the times when he was home. Strange, isn't it?

Fleeting Thoughts for the Auto Biography

Dad was away all week. He'd come back at weekends. Being made redundant when Eleanor was only a baby was hard on us, and when the job came up in Torquay he took it. He'd stay in B and B's all week. He'd come back at weekends.

On Fridays he'd have a McDonalds. You know. When they were cool. It was cheap food I suppose. It's funny what you remember. He'd come back with happy meal toys for Eleanor and I. Especially when it was the Barbie doll or Disney film promotions. Some times he'd have an adult meal and buy two toys seperately. I remember the some of the first ones we got. The Mc Dinos, a plastic happy meal box and cup that were like Transformers. The side of the box had little fold out sections, one for a head and one for a tail, and the handles of the box, those ones that were like the golden arches made the spines of a stegosaurus. The cup opened in halves with a pop up head and a pop out tail in pink, milkshake that had gone jurassic to amuse my sister and I. I remember loking forward to the toys. I don't really remember that Dad had gone, only the times when he was home. Strange, isn't it?