Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Things get better

Let's be honest with the blogosphere. Today was hard and I felt small and fragile and odd. Summer came back for a day on campus and it was sunny but cold. People revising on grass hills and huddling into jumpers.

Maya Angelou's words are comfort and strength today. It might be dark as night on my insides but things can change. I got through my Latin exam. It may not be the best of everything I've ever done, but I got through it.

Things get better.

The end of term is coming and I will make it and rest and recover and start again.

There won't always be these fears and panics.

Sonnet pieces:

Food has no flavour, knitting holds no joy;
Crushing dense noise has surrounded me whole
Numbing the cheap weapons I could employ

Things get better

Let's be honest with the blogosphere. Today was hard and I felt small and fragile and odd. Summer came back for a day on campus and it was sunny but cold. People revising on grass hills and huddling into jumpers.

Maya Angelou's words are comfort and strength today. It might be dark as night on my insides but things can change. I got through my Latin exam. It may not be the best of everything I've ever done, but I got through it.

Things get better.

The end of term is coming and I will make it and rest and recover and start again.

There won't always be these fears and panics.

Sonnet pieces:

Food has no flavour, knitting holds no joy;
Crushing dense noise has surrounded me whole
Numbing the cheap weapons I could employ

Saturday, May 26, 2007

26/5/2007

I seem to have to have lost my mojo. Have you seen it?

Yesterday I did a little latin revision. Today I am going to try practicing my translation by translating a bit of Winnie the Pooh. My mum bought a copy of it in latin for me at the beginning of term. Should be interesting.

I watched the History vs. Archaeology cricket friendly yesterday. I'm not one for sport, but it was something to do. History were the more experienced team and were doing fairly well until a third of the way through the Archaeology innings (I think that's the right word). Archaeology very nearly caught up, but some good catching meant History ultimately prevailed. I almost sound like I know what I'm talking about. It was nice to sit in the sun and drink Pimms and try and revise.

I then went to the pub and ate tea with my future housemates. We spent the evening discussing the foilables of studying history and all sorts of things. It was interesting, but I still feel very removed from History folk. I'm so very much a historian, and love studying it, but the politics of it upset me and leave me cold.

We also talked about what our passions were. Alex and Dave can't live without their music. It made me think about what I am passionate about, and it made me sad to realise there isn't really anything. I love my knitting and my art and my making, but if I couldn't do it, and to be honest this week is the first week that I've picked up the needles for a long time, I wouldn't miss it much. I danced so much when I was at school, and it tailed off when I came to uni. I miss it, but it doesn't consume me. I would like something that filled me with joy, a never ending supply of sustinance.

I'm feeling very numb and empty today. Much like I've felt since Christmas really. Some days are so full of colour and things and noises and other days are like walking in grey treacle.

Amy is hopefully coming round later, and I have a birthday party to go to. I don't really feel like it. I don't really feel like anything much. Maybe if I could disappear for a bit. That would be nice.

26/5/2007

I seem to have to have lost my mojo. Have you seen it?

Yesterday I did a little latin revision. Today I am going to try practicing my translation by translating a bit of Winnie the Pooh. My mum bought a copy of it in latin for me at the beginning of term. Should be interesting.

I watched the History vs. Archaeology cricket friendly yesterday. I'm not one for sport, but it was something to do. History were the more experienced team and were doing fairly well until a third of the way through the Archaeology innings (I think that's the right word). Archaeology very nearly caught up, but some good catching meant History ultimately prevailed. I almost sound like I know what I'm talking about. It was nice to sit in the sun and drink Pimms and try and revise.

I then went to the pub and ate tea with my future housemates. We spent the evening discussing the foilables of studying history and all sorts of things. It was interesting, but I still feel very removed from History folk. I'm so very much a historian, and love studying it, but the politics of it upset me and leave me cold.

We also talked about what our passions were. Alex and Dave can't live without their music. It made me think about what I am passionate about, and it made me sad to realise there isn't really anything. I love my knitting and my art and my making, but if I couldn't do it, and to be honest this week is the first week that I've picked up the needles for a long time, I wouldn't miss it much. I danced so much when I was at school, and it tailed off when I came to uni. I miss it, but it doesn't consume me. I would like something that filled me with joy, a never ending supply of sustinance.

I'm feeling very numb and empty today. Much like I've felt since Christmas really. Some days are so full of colour and things and noises and other days are like walking in grey treacle.

Amy is hopefully coming round later, and I have a birthday party to go to. I don't really feel like it. I don't really feel like anything much. Maybe if I could disappear for a bit. That would be nice.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Other people's words say it better

From xkcd.com

Other people's words say it better

From xkcd.com

Good Things

I wore my pretty dress and felt good.
I played the piano and remembered more than I thought.
Andy played piano for me and I got to sing.
I saw Emma in the shop and she gave me a hug.
Amy was nice to me when I rang her.
My mum is wise.

Good Things

I wore my pretty dress and felt good.
I played the piano and remembered more than I thought.
Andy played piano for me and I got to sing.
I saw Emma in the shop and she gave me a hug.
Amy was nice to me when I rang her.
My mum is wise.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Trying

This is hard. Especially considering that he'd told me before he'd just wanted to be friends and then all of a sudden he wanted me. Now so much more water has gone under the bridge, my head tells me it's not going to happen again. But I want it to so much. The first time should have been a warning sign, I know but still.
I miss the physical presence of someone to hold and be held by. Of someone to listen to and someone who listens to me. I know I was dependant on him in a way that was unhealthy, but at the same time I just found him such an interesting person to talk with. Such interesting ideas and opionions. Such a shame I was uncompatible with him.
It hurts because I did try my best to be myself with him, one of the very few times I was honest with people, and its the real Alex that's been rejected. I suppose there might be someone out there who will like the real Alex or be able to cope with her. Or they maybe no one. I have to learn how to live with myself and be myself all the time. I shouldn't need anyone, except a few friends for socialising.
--------------------------------------------
I had my initial consultation with the counselling service today. It was nice to have someone ask how I was and mean it. Really want to hear the real answer. The average joe doesn't want the truth because if its horrid and they can't help they have to shoulder it too.
I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I don't want to hurt and be miserable like I have been for months. I don't want to be a burden anymore. I want to be able to cope with things without falling apart. I will be ok, but I need help.

Trying

This is hard. Especially considering that he'd told me before he'd just wanted to be friends and then all of a sudden he wanted me. Now so much more water has gone under the bridge, my head tells me it's not going to happen again. But I want it to so much. The first time should have been a warning sign, I know but still.
I miss the physical presence of someone to hold and be held by. Of someone to listen to and someone who listens to me. I know I was dependant on him in a way that was unhealthy, but at the same time I just found him such an interesting person to talk with. Such interesting ideas and opionions. Such a shame I was uncompatible with him.
It hurts because I did try my best to be myself with him, one of the very few times I was honest with people, and its the real Alex that's been rejected. I suppose there might be someone out there who will like the real Alex or be able to cope with her. Or they maybe no one. I have to learn how to live with myself and be myself all the time. I shouldn't need anyone, except a few friends for socialising.
--------------------------------------------
I had my initial consultation with the counselling service today. It was nice to have someone ask how I was and mean it. Really want to hear the real answer. The average joe doesn't want the truth because if its horrid and they can't help they have to shoulder it too.
I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I don't want to hurt and be miserable like I have been for months. I don't want to be a burden anymore. I want to be able to cope with things without falling apart. I will be ok, but I need help.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Haircut

Feeling better today.

Had a haircut, feel lighter and look much better.

Now if I could only concentrate on my essay.

Haircut

Feeling better today.

Had a haircut, feel lighter and look much better.

Now if I could only concentrate on my essay.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

All good things must come to an end.

Another ending


Its always this time of year. Chris just ended our realtionship. After we'd been to the gym together. I asked if he'd been being solitary becasue he'd been stressed with his work or for another reason. He said he didn't look forward to spending time with me anymore because I made him miserable, felt that I needed someone who could understand my huge outpourings of emotion, and because I was selfish in the relationship and not supportive enough of him when he had problems even though he had dealt with all mine.

I was good. Considering I thought everything was great, was loving being with him and enjoying every minute, I was shocked. I didn't cry, I calmly asked if we could try and sort it out, why he'd not told me earlier so I could try and sort things then, and asked if we could try again after the exams when we have more time to do fun and enjoyable stuff together. He said I'd be hiding bits of myself rather than being myself if I tried to change, and just wanted to be free. I collected my things from his house. Laughed and joked about it. Asked if we could be friends becasue I still want him in my life. Told his housemates it was over.

Then I sobbed all the way home.

I feel like I've been lied to all this time. But I want him to be happy, and if not being my boyfriend will make him happy, then its more loving to let him go than to try and keep him. I really hope we can be friends in the future, because I really do care about him. Really care. Besides he's great fun.

It was always going to be too good to be true. I don't regret it at all. He was so gorgeous and out of my league. I was always going to drive him mad with my neediness. He was always going to be too emotionally detached for some one like me.

All good things must come to an end.

Another ending


Its always this time of year. Chris just ended our realtionship. After we'd been to the gym together. I asked if he'd been being solitary becasue he'd been stressed with his work or for another reason. He said he didn't look forward to spending time with me anymore because I made him miserable, felt that I needed someone who could understand my huge outpourings of emotion, and because I was selfish in the relationship and not supportive enough of him when he had problems even though he had dealt with all mine.

I was good. Considering I thought everything was great, was loving being with him and enjoying every minute, I was shocked. I didn't cry, I calmly asked if we could try and sort it out, why he'd not told me earlier so I could try and sort things then, and asked if we could try again after the exams when we have more time to do fun and enjoyable stuff together. He said I'd be hiding bits of myself rather than being myself if I tried to change, and just wanted to be free. I collected my things from his house. Laughed and joked about it. Asked if we could be friends becasue I still want him in my life. Told his housemates it was over.

Then I sobbed all the way home.

I feel like I've been lied to all this time. But I want him to be happy, and if not being my boyfriend will make him happy, then its more loving to let him go than to try and keep him. I really hope we can be friends in the future, because I really do care about him. Really care. Besides he's great fun.

It was always going to be too good to be true. I don't regret it at all. He was so gorgeous and out of my league. I was always going to drive him mad with my neediness. He was always going to be too emotionally detached for some one like me.