Friday, May 26, 2006

following infinity

Who knew quoting "In that moment we were infinte" would bring so many hits, so I direct you fair reader to here.

It is a quote from Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being A Wallflower. MTV/Pocket Books, New York, NY, 1999.

I hope I helped.

following infinity

Who knew quoting "In that moment we were infinte" would bring so many hits, so I direct you fair reader to here.

It is a quote from Stephen Chbosky's The Perks of Being A Wallflower. MTV/Pocket Books, New York, NY, 1999.

I hope I helped.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

In this moment we were infinite

Go to PostSecret and scroll down for my title explanation.

One of those days oh it really was.

I got up late, having got in at 2am after fun and frolics at the Hobbit with my friends. Part of me worries because I only have two really close friends at Uni, Amy and Chris, and I feel I ought to widen my circle more. Cecil, that mean you - :) - but hopefully living otgether next year will give me that chance. The need for widen the circle more was painfully obvious in the sheer rage and I was angry, but more than that I was hurting I felt before going out when the Chris' plural nearly ducked out with coming out with Amy and I. Having been trapped in a room for most of the day all I wanted was to be out. More than that I wanted tobe out with my friends, friends who I care about and who I hope care about me and have a good time and feel normal in my skin for a bit not some half assed historian who has 500 half assed words on an essay that is due in on tuesday.

The getting up late was compounded by a strange sharp stomach ache, which is still bothering me now. I thought right, a Nurofen will help me. I took one. Oh why oh why did I not reach for the paracetamol. I sailed out the door on my way to the station gleefully and said goodbye to Chris who was also supposed to be going home. [Whether he did or not is another matter] There was a bus waiting for me at the bus stop and all seemed ok. But then as we sailed around the corner at Portswood junction, the pain got worse and worse. Bile rose in my mouth, and the crunch came when a woman sat next to me who reeked of cigarette smoke and bad cheap perfume. The smell lead to a mouthful of vomit that I dutifully swallowed down in confusion.

The next bus stop was another matter. I leapt off, probably kicking the poor smelly woman in the process, scared the couple sitting opposite me and stumbled into the carpark of Blockbuster. Their bins were too high. Damn. So I flail my way to the gates of the Morrisona carpark and I can hold it no longer. I was brought to my lowest moment. Ibuprofen on an empty stomach induces vomiting, and there is a mercifully small splatter of my last meal under the gate to prove it. I must use this opportunity to thank the darling of a little old lady who rushed over and offered me a tissue. I have never been so embarrassed in my life, and as always it was my own fault. Read labels Alex, even when in a rush.

I then had to wait 40 mins for another bus, meaning I missed my train. So there I was. Miserable, ill and wafting a bile - esue odour wishing of all things that I was on the train home. When I finally reached the station, the train was only 5 mins away and I managed to get two seats to myself. I sobbed down the phone to Rob and buried my head in the metaphysical landscape that the music on the mp3 player creates.

Things were decidedly better this afternoon, as I crafted the aforementioned 500 words, slept, read and chatted.

Sometimes its nice to have a real talk. I miss talking to people in depth.I miss talking to Chris the most.

And now after watching Eurovision and cheering on the Finns, a one sided tiff with Rob and strange making up, I am in bed, having tried to write some more words and failed. But these words are here and Tomorrow will be better than today.

In this moment we were infinite

Go to PostSecret and scroll down for my title explanation.

One of those days oh it really was.

I got up late, having got in at 2am after fun and frolics at the Hobbit with my friends. Part of me worries because I only have two really close friends at Uni, Amy and Chris, and I feel I ought to widen my circle more. Cecil, that mean you - :) - but hopefully living otgether next year will give me that chance. The need for widen the circle more was painfully obvious in the sheer rage and I was angry, but more than that I was hurting I felt before going out when the Chris' plural nearly ducked out with coming out with Amy and I. Having been trapped in a room for most of the day all I wanted was to be out. More than that I wanted tobe out with my friends, friends who I care about and who I hope care about me and have a good time and feel normal in my skin for a bit not some half assed historian who has 500 half assed words on an essay that is due in on tuesday.

The getting up late was compounded by a strange sharp stomach ache, which is still bothering me now. I thought right, a Nurofen will help me. I took one. Oh why oh why did I not reach for the paracetamol. I sailed out the door on my way to the station gleefully and said goodbye to Chris who was also supposed to be going home. [Whether he did or not is another matter] There was a bus waiting for me at the bus stop and all seemed ok. But then as we sailed around the corner at Portswood junction, the pain got worse and worse. Bile rose in my mouth, and the crunch came when a woman sat next to me who reeked of cigarette smoke and bad cheap perfume. The smell lead to a mouthful of vomit that I dutifully swallowed down in confusion.

The next bus stop was another matter. I leapt off, probably kicking the poor smelly woman in the process, scared the couple sitting opposite me and stumbled into the carpark of Blockbuster. Their bins were too high. Damn. So I flail my way to the gates of the Morrisona carpark and I can hold it no longer. I was brought to my lowest moment. Ibuprofen on an empty stomach induces vomiting, and there is a mercifully small splatter of my last meal under the gate to prove it. I must use this opportunity to thank the darling of a little old lady who rushed over and offered me a tissue. I have never been so embarrassed in my life, and as always it was my own fault. Read labels Alex, even when in a rush.

I then had to wait 40 mins for another bus, meaning I missed my train. So there I was. Miserable, ill and wafting a bile - esue odour wishing of all things that I was on the train home. When I finally reached the station, the train was only 5 mins away and I managed to get two seats to myself. I sobbed down the phone to Rob and buried my head in the metaphysical landscape that the music on the mp3 player creates.

Things were decidedly better this afternoon, as I crafted the aforementioned 500 words, slept, read and chatted.

Sometimes its nice to have a real talk. I miss talking to people in depth.I miss talking to Chris the most.

And now after watching Eurovision and cheering on the Finns, a one sided tiff with Rob and strange making up, I am in bed, having tried to write some more words and failed. But these words are here and Tomorrow will be better than today.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Broody

Now I'm supposed to be writing about the pitfalls of teleological history. This needs to be put out somewhere and I guess a blog is as good a place as any. No one I have to speak to here at uni quite understands, and I guess I'm just in a very different place to most of the world.

A friend of mine just had premature twins. The situation behind the births is not mine to discuss. I logged on to opendiary the other day to read her update on how they were getting on and was hit by a wave of overwhelming love and what can only be described as broodiness. Even tough Fran is having to cope with such a hard and difficult situation, she has taken to mothering like a duck to water, and it was just so affirming and beautiful to read of how she loves her little boys.

The last few months I have really felt that there is this huge resevoir of love in me. It's a deep ache, an unfufilled desire in my system, that I know only holding my child in my arms will sate. No amount of pseudo mothering my friends or the loved ones in my life will compensate for that heady mix of sheer joy and fear in knowing you had a part in creating another human and they are yours to love and cherish and nurture and teach and - simply - enjoy.

Please God let children be part of my life. And if you're especially listening, let them be my own children.

I had an amazing childhood, filled with trips to woods where Mum and I would make fairy houses out of twigs. Our family has strange customs and traditions, like us all having to stir the Christmas pudding mixture before its but in the pudding bowls for steaming and make a wish. There is always something going on at home, things to craft and make from models of Pickfords lorries to paper sculptures of matadors. I really hope that my children will have the similar sort of uncommon childhood I had.

I want to feel the pride of watching them learn to read, and taking them to the library and delight in their enthusiasm for the new and the unknown.

I want to swaddle them in clothes and blankets I knit to at first my and then their specifications.

I want to be mother. It is what I was created to be.

Broody

Now I'm supposed to be writing about the pitfalls of teleological history. This needs to be put out somewhere and I guess a blog is as good a place as any. No one I have to speak to here at uni quite understands, and I guess I'm just in a very different place to most of the world.

A friend of mine just had premature twins. The situation behind the births is not mine to discuss. I logged on to opendiary the other day to read her update on how they were getting on and was hit by a wave of overwhelming love and what can only be described as broodiness. Even tough Fran is having to cope with such a hard and difficult situation, she has taken to mothering like a duck to water, and it was just so affirming and beautiful to read of how she loves her little boys.

The last few months I have really felt that there is this huge resevoir of love in me. It's a deep ache, an unfufilled desire in my system, that I know only holding my child in my arms will sate. No amount of pseudo mothering my friends or the loved ones in my life will compensate for that heady mix of sheer joy and fear in knowing you had a part in creating another human and they are yours to love and cherish and nurture and teach and - simply - enjoy.

Please God let children be part of my life. And if you're especially listening, let them be my own children.

I had an amazing childhood, filled with trips to woods where Mum and I would make fairy houses out of twigs. Our family has strange customs and traditions, like us all having to stir the Christmas pudding mixture before its but in the pudding bowls for steaming and make a wish. There is always something going on at home, things to craft and make from models of Pickfords lorries to paper sculptures of matadors. I really hope that my children will have the similar sort of uncommon childhood I had.

I want to feel the pride of watching them learn to read, and taking them to the library and delight in their enthusiasm for the new and the unknown.

I want to swaddle them in clothes and blankets I knit to at first my and then their specifications.

I want to be mother. It is what I was created to be.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Halb - Blah backward

I jumped out of bed today at 7am, and knocked on Chris' door to make sure he got up for a doctors appointment, and good thing too since it seemed his alarm didn't go off. I can actually hear it through the wall somtimes. After that I got dressed, grabbed the bag of things I had prepared last night and headed out the house.

I was swimming in the granny lane of the uni swimming pool by 815am. Impressed? I was. The bus ride down was nice as it was sunny and early so no one was really about. The pool though, was busier than I thought it would be. My swimming skills are severely lacking, and I am more unfit than I thought. But I've decided to make Friday morning my swimming day as its a day off from lectures. I really want to get fit.

A little light shopping followed, resulting in me buying nice wholegrain granary bread and a copy of the Times. I was pleasantly surprised that it only cost me 20p! Bargain!

I have admit that upon returning home I napped. I have been feeling light headed and dizzy all day, I think the heat is getting to me. didn't help tht I spent a hot [but very enjoyable] hour or so studying and reading and doing the crossword with Amy and her new fella.

The rest of the day I read and napped alternately and ate ice lollies in a bid to keep cool.

Rob is here now and we're off to the Hobbit, to see a band I've seen before an enjoyed, loopy.

Halb - Blah backward

I jumped out of bed today at 7am, and knocked on Chris' door to make sure he got up for a doctors appointment, and good thing too since it seemed his alarm didn't go off. I can actually hear it through the wall somtimes. After that I got dressed, grabbed the bag of things I had prepared last night and headed out the house.

I was swimming in the granny lane of the uni swimming pool by 815am. Impressed? I was. The bus ride down was nice as it was sunny and early so no one was really about. The pool though, was busier than I thought it would be. My swimming skills are severely lacking, and I am more unfit than I thought. But I've decided to make Friday morning my swimming day as its a day off from lectures. I really want to get fit.

A little light shopping followed, resulting in me buying nice wholegrain granary bread and a copy of the Times. I was pleasantly surprised that it only cost me 20p! Bargain!

I have admit that upon returning home I napped. I have been feeling light headed and dizzy all day, I think the heat is getting to me. didn't help tht I spent a hot [but very enjoyable] hour or so studying and reading and doing the crossword with Amy and her new fella.

The rest of the day I read and napped alternately and ate ice lollies in a bid to keep cool.

Rob is here now and we're off to the Hobbit, to see a band I've seen before an enjoyed, loopy.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Today or Yesterday depending if you've slept....

Today I jumped rather uncermoniously out of bed at 7am, ran off to the loo then jumped back in bed till 8am. Today was one of the glorious days where there are no lectures till 11am so I afforded myself the luxury of an hour more of heaven. When I did finally get up I had the pleasure of trying to find something delicious to wear as there was a bright bright sun in the sky! I settled on a denim mini dress with spaghetti straps and a white crossover cropped t - shirt to protect my whiter than white shoulders.

When I had finished my bus ride and walk combo to the Arts campus, I realised I had powerwalked it and managed to arrive ten mins early, so treated my self to dinky bowl of salad and a bottle of Coke and Lime. [PUT THE LIME IN THE COKE YOU NUT! ;-)] The salad bowl included coleslaw, my favourite, and a greek style salad of black olives, feta esque cheese which was too squidgy to be proper feta, red onions, tomatoes and lettuce. I topped this with three melon balls for a random sweet contrast because I'm random.

My seminar today was on History and Film, and I managed to blag my way through it as unfortunately, everytime I'd gone to watch the set films, only the feature film, Elizabeth was in, not the documentary Elizabeth by David Starkey. My group were set the questions on the feature film to discuss, and we did eventually. To be perfectly honest the group were hopeless. Two of the girls appeared to know each other well, thus excluding me and the other guy, let me get on with discussing our answers with the seminar tutor, and then nominated me the speaker for the presentation. I flatly refused to do it alone as this was groupwork, and so was cut off everytime I tried to speak during our presentation. The rest of the seminar became a discussion on the current and future nature of American politics, with the consensus in the group being our dream election scenario would be Condaleeza Rice vs Hilary Clinton. There was an interesting moment when the chairman of the other group couldn't take his eyes off me knitting with out looking at what I was doing. Knitting does tend to mesmerise people.

I then spent a few hours searching for texts for my next essay and paying though the nose for photocopying services. Upon returning home I sat and knitted, ate ice lollies, watched bits of the Apprentice online and then workedcreally hard. A satisfying day.

Today or Yesterday depending if you've slept....

Today I jumped rather uncermoniously out of bed at 7am, ran off to the loo then jumped back in bed till 8am. Today was one of the glorious days where there are no lectures till 11am so I afforded myself the luxury of an hour more of heaven. When I did finally get up I had the pleasure of trying to find something delicious to wear as there was a bright bright sun in the sky! I settled on a denim mini dress with spaghetti straps and a white crossover cropped t - shirt to protect my whiter than white shoulders.

When I had finished my bus ride and walk combo to the Arts campus, I realised I had powerwalked it and managed to arrive ten mins early, so treated my self to dinky bowl of salad and a bottle of Coke and Lime. [PUT THE LIME IN THE COKE YOU NUT! ;-)] The salad bowl included coleslaw, my favourite, and a greek style salad of black olives, feta esque cheese which was too squidgy to be proper feta, red onions, tomatoes and lettuce. I topped this with three melon balls for a random sweet contrast because I'm random.

My seminar today was on History and Film, and I managed to blag my way through it as unfortunately, everytime I'd gone to watch the set films, only the feature film, Elizabeth was in, not the documentary Elizabeth by David Starkey. My group were set the questions on the feature film to discuss, and we did eventually. To be perfectly honest the group were hopeless. Two of the girls appeared to know each other well, thus excluding me and the other guy, let me get on with discussing our answers with the seminar tutor, and then nominated me the speaker for the presentation. I flatly refused to do it alone as this was groupwork, and so was cut off everytime I tried to speak during our presentation. The rest of the seminar became a discussion on the current and future nature of American politics, with the consensus in the group being our dream election scenario would be Condaleeza Rice vs Hilary Clinton. There was an interesting moment when the chairman of the other group couldn't take his eyes off me knitting with out looking at what I was doing. Knitting does tend to mesmerise people.

I then spent a few hours searching for texts for my next essay and paying though the nose for photocopying services. Upon returning home I sat and knitted, ate ice lollies, watched bits of the Apprentice online and then workedcreally hard. A satisfying day.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Now I know why teething babies cry!

My wisdom teeth aren't half giving me gip! They are coming through at the back in the roof of my mouth and boy do they hurt. I didn't got to my lectures today because of the pain. But still they were the last one on my course so I will be hunting up noted from those at some point.

Been pottering around today. Did clothes washing with Chris, and watched some Battlestar Galactica. Chris and I are somewhat obsessed, though with the end of the series growing near I dunno what wil fill our work breaks in the coming weeks.

I have been knitting. Started a new sock as the finishing on Arisaig is driving me mad. The sock is a bastardised creation og my own with a Grantley insertion in offset rows across the calf section. Pics When I can.

This evening I think I will cook nice food and read about Russia and the First Crusades to try and plan my revision schedule.

Now I know why teething babies cry!

My wisdom teeth aren't half giving me gip! They are coming through at the back in the roof of my mouth and boy do they hurt. I didn't got to my lectures today because of the pain. But still they were the last one on my course so I will be hunting up noted from those at some point.

Been pottering around today. Did clothes washing with Chris, and watched some Battlestar Galactica. Chris and I are somewhat obsessed, though with the end of the series growing near I dunno what wil fill our work breaks in the coming weeks.

I have been knitting. Started a new sock as the finishing on Arisaig is driving me mad. The sock is a bastardised creation og my own with a Grantley insertion in offset rows across the calf section. Pics When I can.

This evening I think I will cook nice food and read about Russia and the First Crusades to try and plan my revision schedule.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Its as big as my head!

Elisa was given this as a present from Chrisby who'd been on holiday in France. I want one One for my very own. She said my need is greater than hers as my essay is not going well.Every girl needs a 3 kg jar of Nutella. Happy thoughts and nutella covered wishes my way greatly appreciated. 771 words out of 2000.

Its as big as my head!

Elisa was given this as a present from Chrisby who'd been on holiday in France. I want one One for my very own. She said my need is greater than hers as my essay is not going well.Every girl needs a 3 kg jar of Nutella. Happy thoughts and nutella covered wishes my way greatly appreciated. 771 words out of 2000.